My heavy heart.

Ever stared at a blank page for 30 minutes straight? 

Knowing what to say but don’t know how to elaborate?

Where to start, explain or prove yourself?

Because if it all falls down it feels like death?

 

What sounded to her as lack of disrespect

Was a misunderstanding of the situation and illusions to expect.

And because of that she decides to leave

And wallow here begging for a reprieve.

 

A love like this, like never before

A pain like this, feeling’s so sore

Futile to hide to the world how I feel

Because the pain’s apparent on my face, because it’s real.

 

My actual heart feels heavy.

It aches, pains, it burns, and it’s ugly.

I have(not had) a person who doesn’t trust me.

and I want her to see that I can’t plead guilty.

 

There was nothing that I did to steer her wrong

But an accidental phone call and hearing my friends(girls) in the background was enough to cause a stir.

And what pains me more is that she can’t believe every word I say

But I don’t blame her, I’d do the same thing if that was what I heard.

 

But I say this now, to her and to the world

There has been no one else who has ever been a complete stranger in the beginning and been my best friend like this

Given me love and believed in a future with bliss

And working so hard on building something I believed was strong enough, wasn’t.

 

I Love this woman

I Love her to death

I’d do anything in my human powers to have her loving me again

Seeing her leaving over something I didn’t do is making me go insane.

 

I say it’s the truth, my life on the line

I even had my friends there, 

On my family’s blood I swear

I’d never do that to hurt her.

 

I know right now that I have something big to work on

Doing whatever it takes to make her see that this love isn’t forlorn.

Because I LOVE HER and that’s all there is to it

And I can lay down my whole life for her.

 

God grant me strength and insight into this dark road I tread 

I’ve never had to fight for something so hard, but not afraid of the future I dread

Because the decision I make now to do this is better than the heartache that I have to endure

This love shall not wane.

 

It will make us  hopefully stronger.

 

 

 

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Discipline

I really need to start getting my wits in line. No really. I’m pissed at myself now.
Ever had that feeling where you say; “this isn’t right, but I have so much fun every fucking time!”

I had for the past week been admitted in hospital. Only my family members knew of this.
The only other person I told outside family circles was my buddy. And she came over(with flowers) and I responded to the treatment well.

I was discharged on friday.

I went back on the rave the very next day.

Damn it Kim.

You haven’t even fully recovered, yet you carelessly put your young life in danger… For what?

I’d rather rant to myself like this…

I snapped in seconds.

I had returned to a very very old version of me.

Guess that’s what hospital beds do to you.

I was an outright douche for doing that.
But I am proud that I drank only soft drinks that night…well obviously I’m on medication, strong stuff, you never know what the worse could happen.

From here on out, I vow by this piece I have written to never have to go bonkers and do silly shit like that again… Fun night…but not how I wanted it to end…at 6 in the morning.
I was a douchebag.

No more Mr. nice guy.

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And I mean it.

You know when I was growing up, my mum made me understand why I and my older sister never had english names.

She always said “You have a heritage, your family has a rich history of giving, imparting, entertaining and hosting, and like you grandfather’s witty and bubbly personality, I named you what was without a doubt the best name for you, and it means ‘the one who hosts’; an MC if you like.

Back then I only grasped a few bits here and there, and by default, I ended up being like my grandfather: cracking jokes…even to myself.

And as life went on, more of these virtues grew on me, hospitality, giving, caring, loving humility, patience.

And I have shared my persona and life with many great and amazing people……But some people have  come to take all that I have always for granted.

Question is: did I become way too nice? 

I do admit at one point I was a pushover, and a much better pushover than a matchstick.

I’m not out to rat anyone..thats a rat’s job.

And if anyone’s been in that same position as me: doing long ass hours, going literally outta your way to make sure someone’s home safe and you end up in your bed at 5 in the morning, paying their cab fare and what not, we need to stop being mr nice guy. 

I’m sick of it.

It disgusts me.

I’m not saying it’s bad, What I am saying is that if it’s been your in-born nature, you need to change your balls A.S.A.P. because it will literally be your downfall.

The only problem with Mr. nice guy is just one teeny weeny thing: He never realises when he’s been taken for a fool. That’s it. Plain and simple. if you wanted me to go on and on..go to a lecture hall, I’m not out to suck up, kiss ass, or eat turd for anyone who takes me for cheap.., Like I’m made of moonshine.

And that applies to you, Mr.X, that nice guy who thinks that in 2012, when you do good in this world, you get it all in return, and probably with a bonus.

IT ISN’T!

I will wrap up by saying this and you will agree… Today we’re living life like a Mark Burnett production: name them: Amazing race, survivor, apprentice..it goes on and on..

What do you notice? in all these shows, playing dirty, and not being nice is the strategy. being a conniving jack ass who at the end wins it all. Think about it: Ever seen a genuine show about a nice guy winning a million dollars for playing by the rules? if you have… Dude, you seriously need some weed, get high so as to have a better view from above and see what’s happening from up there. 

And with that I will go to slumber, Pray for y’all to get serious epiphany and insight in those that dont see my school of thought.

Blessings

Aside

hello Bworld! (…

hello Bworld! (like twitter ‘tworld’?) get it? no? I’ll stop then.

Like I said, until I post again…Buuuuut I’m here once again.

An intriguing conversation I was having a few months earlier with a friend of mine.. She asked me a simple question…

“Do men of today think of marriage?”

I gave her that long “are you fucking kidding me?” look. 

There are like 10 weddings per square kilometre simultaneously every weekend(Fridays) that cause traffic jams that contribute to the loss of nearly Kshs. 50 Billion…The events front here is a multi-million shilling industry. If you want shabby looking, shirt shining, CD play-backing “bonoko” version of Kayamba Afrika..or fiesta, or salsa, They are sooo there! 

Tents, seats, catering..I even heard there is a “dial-a-pastor” (citation needed)..I mean there’s money to be made here!

 And you ask me if men of today wanna get married?

Clearly like a 5year old sugar high kid in class…I was hearing, but not even close to listening.

“Last year(and previous years) this guy was binging mad and chipoing almost every weekend…or salary weekend..save for Easter and the whole december. Come 2012 and the guy’s met that mami special..and now he wants to get on bended knee and tie the knot by dec…”

My first reflex thought that came out of my mouth was…’JEALOUS!!’ And that was returned by a slap. Actions speak louder than words. I guess she was heartbroken that he might have….um..how do i put this.. entered many car dealerships before picking on a car after numerous….NUMEROUS test drives.

Well, I’m a young guy..23 to be exact…And I’m not thinking remotely of tying the knot. But if I rewind back to me and my sis growing up, she had always fantasised about her wedding dress, reception, the works..If I do give comparison of what she was thinking back then, it would be the equivalent of a reality show with more viewership than jerseyshore, Keeping up with Kardashians and that housewives of sijui Atlantic city or is it texas combined.

And I digress… So, I finally got light into her query. It had even started with me..

I have never thought of my ideal wedding.

NOT Like that….I mean it has crossed my mind, usual exchanging of rings and of course wedding night..with Gabrielle Union….see what I mean? as in there isn’t any serious thought at all.

Now..why does a man suddenly wake up one morning and goes like ; Must…get…MARRIED…?

I hate to say this…actually I’m ashamed….

I think a number of guys have been forced into it..Now before you put me on a stake and let me burn, let me add on..these same men have been very coward-like..scratch that…very cowardly into admitting that they wanna be boys..or forever young men. And especially not to sire any offspring.

And that’s the other thing…

I love kids…kids love me…It would be nice hearing hearing that Shrieking voice of “daddieeeee!!” throughout the house for days….

Executing the task? hapo ni kunoma I say! I’ll take a rain check… 

Now if you’re a parent, and a loving one at that…You once thought like me. so lets save those thoughts and energies for reading on..that’s if you wanna.

For those who get cowed into submission by a woman or family into Holy matrimony end up being a divorce statistic that eventually mustered up the strength to say that they cant be living a lie..or picked miss right in haste….or in cases..made a run for it(quite literally)

And then we have those who have that certain body clock inside that tells them “It is time.” in Mufasa’s voice. Now get this right, in most cases, unlike his timid counterpart, has rarely been influenced into decisions and knows what he wants, only bit is is that he’s reluctant to the idea, but his body’s pulling all the right moves to moving outta the stable. Eventually he settles into the idea.

and we cant forget the man raised with all the traditional and moral values in check, but finds marriage being a liability from the start, until he has his serious, buy-me-an-island kinda money. And also mental preparedness.

From these I’ve listed, I realise I don’t even fall near any of those categories.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get married. Or meet with that special person. Why don’t people just consider civil partnerships? marriage should not be abused as it’s been done today. And if it’s marriage, you best be ready. Coz it can be a sinking ship from the moment it leaves the harbour.. these grand ceremonies have sometimes gone to waste.. i mean, spending 2.5million shillings on your dream wedding only to file for divorce 3-5years down is pathetic. My grandparents have probably been married for about 50-60 years, and no, there wasnt anything lavish about their wedding. 

So when I hear “He is going bankrupt, I cant take this anymore, He isnt paying attention to me, lalalalalalal!!” 

if anyone married for 30+ years tells you about marriage, they will tell you such days will come, and they will be many. oh, and I’m saying this to both parties. I’m not chauvinist.

Before I go on and on after digressing too many times I’ll say this: The institution of marriage should not be forced upon and one does not simply rush into it. Men in depth are different, but on the general are alike. So thinking about marriage is a thought that crosses all our minds. But now there are those men in today’s world, with all their varied reasons and factors considered, have decided to give it a much deeper thought than the other, and thus the individuality.

The Tempest in my Thoughts..

wasup y’all…

Hope the goin’s well for all you guys…

Mine isn’t.

its downright…..shit.

I was watching an episode of south park the other day(funniest shit ever!) and Stan was having his 10th birthday..so the day after his huge party…he wakes up and everything starts to look and sound like shit. literally. even his favorite songs he used to listen to just sound like farts and someone taking a dump.

I’m kinda in that place now. but not with music and stuff.. just what used to be fun..i dont feel it at all…nyetin! nada! zip!

I dunno why this is comin by now…just when my year has been on some great climaxes and loads of fun….

but the past weeks it’s just died on me…did i fuse out?

doesn’t feel that way to me… hey if I was called for a drink/chit chat I’m game!……..

…………………intermission………………………………..

had a phone call as i was  was writing this from a buddy..its like he read my mind direct!!

but thats not the point.

I think I still have some unsettled issues in my thoughts…

From where? I dunno.

how do you fix a lithium powered car? I dunno.

 

So it seems tonite its me, the balcony, a half bottle of vodka and cigarettes… yes, i havent done that in a while…maybe that’s why.

so as we continue in the frictions and fractions of life, i leave you with a line from a song I’ve been listening to today;

Don’t make me sad, don’t make me cry

Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough

I don’t know why
Keep making me laugh,
Let’s go get high
The road is long, we carry on
Try to have fun in the meantime…..

Peace upon you all.

Hello again…

Wasup world!

yes…deafening silence.. it’s been a while.

Should stick to posting every month or something.. But these days I prefer to post when the thought passes by…or when I got a lot of time to/for myself.

I have been good, and that’s pretty much it. But wait, it doesn’t stop there. 

As I write this, many of my friends are out being young, while I have chosen the more laid back weekend indoors for now….be careful all of you, even to those unknown to me.

I have been planning a lot for my future lately, it still feels incomplete, and I have ran through it over and over. anyways I’m sure this loophole will be discovered by yours truly soonest.

In other news, I have discovered some new sounds lately, and this week I found Lana Del Rey. 

and american artiste who has a different twist, and brings life to her music. Now before I continue, I am not  writing a review, But I must admit this is another of those raw voices that give you a throwback feel, sort of of nostalgic mood setting in. She’s been touted as a 21st century nancy sinatra.

I got a hold of her album, And honestly put, it has to be placed among one of the best albums I have heard this year so far.

if you get the time, download her album “born to die” online. 

it’s basically a compilation of feelings, love, hate, submission, impulsiveness, and also deep thoughts.

an album you cant simply just skip to every track. its worth listening to every word, emotion about how young we are, and have a future and still have to enjoy the present. And how every moment of despair always has a positive retrospect.

yes, and with that, my insomnia has left the building, and sleep takes over. blessings.

Love.

P.S: if still not convinced, youtube her music and I recommend Video games.

I can explain my silence….

Yo!

we’re in february I know..And I know my last post was early december… So I wont explain myself….

But I hope and believe you are all doing well..

What I will do is simply explain what has transpired over the past (2months?! shiit..) 

Aaaanyways, so I had a kickass birthday…so kickass that the repercussions were bad..

And by that I mean I got hospitalized for pneumonia…talk about sleeping all day and partying all night… but like Rick Ross said when he got a heart attack….”this was nothing but a minor setback”….word to your mama.

why I agree with him first off is the amount of time i spent in the hospital…4days! According to my doc..a chest specialist, the treatment involved in treating pneumonia takes about a week and a half! That would have meant I would be leaving the hospital on the 26th or 27th od december!!

and who the fuck would want to spend their christmas in a hospital bed with complete strangers? Not being rude…I pray all of you who are in hospital to get well and live life…but being factual…no one would wanna spend their days bed ridden.

Soooo, 4days later, got discharged, had an awesome christmas day with family…slaughtered a goat..and made merry in short..

As for this year I gotta say and many of my close friends concur with me, that we’re somehow still feeling the holiday vibe in our system…I am having so much fun, and so much more work, and so many things I wanna do even before this year gets midway.

This was just an update for my silence of 2 months…so if any of you were timing some kinda storo or school of thought…please wait for my next blog sooner than you think.

until then, Stay safe, Live life, and remember, we dont call them mistakes..we call them life’s lessons…

Love.

 

 

 

*sigh* to the finer things in life

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*written on saturday nov 19, 2011*

before I kick off on another exciting yet winding sorta piece… I would like to point out that this is the first time I am writing a piece on a Saturday, moreover on a saturday evening… yes yes, there others who do it.. but I have been on this silence for this long due to a “hyperactive  social status” so to speak… nothing wild or overboard.. I’ll get to it in a few.

On the other hand, life since my last post was, or rather… has been for lack of a better word, “ait”  you know, cool, been chilling with close buddies, work has been going great, it’s been cool. I guess that’s because my birthday’s comin up in a matter of 2-3 weeks.

So I’m turning a year older, and I haven’t quite decided on what to do, pretty much where to go, but I wanna change from the norm.. and that starts with what I want for my birthday… (can I double it up with what I want for Christmas?)

Get ready to be “mushyfied!” jus a bit..

so… first I would like to turn a year older with a chilled out, then a huge throw out bash, coupled with a road trip…I’m thinking like in the rift valley.. haven’t traversed the north rift pretty well, there some dope places to visit there..

Secondly, would like to have a birthday(the way things are going)  achieving even more success in the remaining bit of 2011…and 2012, and obviously the more years that the almighty will bless me with.

And third (not the least that’s for sure..) would be to ahem…”rekindle” somewhat recent flame that was very dear.. really dear to me. I know guys should be shrugging off that kind of idea, much less the hint but guys do take time to think on whether to move on or give the ice “one more skate” so to speak.

I fortunately made my decision, and I am…not proud to say it….more like happy….. When my friends ask me ” are you sure?” my answer is as simple as blinking your own eye, “yes.” This should be pointed out though : it is seriously not an act of desperation, nor pity or a bet.

What more can I say? I met the woman of my dreams, fully loaded with life, and I’m not going to let this bond, by fate, plan, you name it, to fade and be that other girl on your phonebook. there was…is the connection and I still feel it everytime we communicate with each other.

Sure..but for now, whatever happens will happen, I really don’t give a rat’s ass… you will never know how good the soup tastes untill you let it cool down a bit.

Signing off…….

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Flogging this blogging No.2..

U hali gani dunia leo? (how’s the world today?)

Hope y’all be doing great..swell..

Coz I’m not.

Yes, I count my blessings ‘one by one’ #flashback to singing that song back in my childhood, but just like you go to the toilet to take a dump, so must I take a few minutes to release my not-so-conformist views on this particular matter…

I promise to be quick…*fart*….NOT.

Now, just today I have ended up cutting and grazing myself 5 times today..two of which got kinda serious..

“Eh..so what? I aint no band aid.” You might be hissing to me over there. Didn’t ask for you help douche-bag…. I’ll bleed it out..

AAAAnyhu, it got me thinking, us Africans have that notion of whenever something bad, or a series of unfortunate events happen to one individual, traditional(and almost current and near-stereotypical) people say someone must be either be talking ill of you, or just mere gossip. I really don’t know who would have been gossiping or just thinking ill of me, I’d like to know, so I can forward you my invoice for the amount of Kleenex, Elastoplast, grabacin and cotton wool I have spent today, that includes you buy me a packet of glucose, I have lost a significant amount of  my red liquid, and it should be replenished.

On the other hand, I’d also back the superstition with absent-mindedness, coupled with just sheer stupidity.

But it does beg the question why our forefathers and mothers used these to explain accidents, or just small incidents, there has always been a truth to it..to some extent.

Mother once told me of how her granny used to warn them of even thinking ill of somebody. Now granny was no Christian, but believed in a superior being, the law of attraction and the bitch called karma. that was enough to get her a staggering 108 years of  blissful yet eventful, fulfilled life.

I think our ancestors, any of them from whichever part of the globe we live in were definitely wise when they came about realizing this, even before scientists had “discovered” it.

And that brings me to another point.. They knew it existed, without calculations and the like, through their faith.

Faith.

Much more powerful than any weapon. Just as forever north will always be up, faith lasts. I have faith.. in God, in family, in my Country, and in myself.

But with all these information that wheezes by at every single lightning second, we sometimes falter in the faith we have in some things. And this new information isn’t  bad.. hell, it’s the human being’s first rule of existence and survival.. Wanting to know more, and proving it.

Here’s the difference; the information out there retrieved has been done by people, like you and me who question the facts, rule out rumours and prove the real, sometimes surreal.

And when presented to you, you just take it all in.

You don’t question it…at times you do.

and when you do, but you don’t quite agree, you dismiss it.

why haven’t you tried reasoning the fact? the world is round galileo said. The church said that’s impossible! The church had dismissed the fact without even trying to prove he was wrong.

And that’s the thing, if it is wrong, go to all lengths to settle your mind on whether he/she who brought up the fact is wrong  or right.

Don’t just simply dismiss it, because they did what they had to do,experiments, tests, studies for years and decades, probably whole of  their lives, others never lived to see their theories proven… and eventually they got their conclusion!

So, do you follow facts because they make sense to you, or do you simply make like a leech and “suck it all in”

All I’m saying is, there’s soooo much info out there, try and filter out. dont be a robot and have a preset, because humans have never been and never will be crafted that way.

Peace to all of you.